Ordinarily, a cocoyam leaf is incapable of cutting a person, but in the year that the gods are against one, especially in the year that the goodluck train fails to arrive at the time appointed, it does cut a person leaving them bleeding profusely. Yala Proverb. In the APC world view, political loafers depending on 'godladderism' and godfatherism can just stroll into plum political positions with their two-two hands inside their pockets. Right now, all we can say to all who have been the beneficiaries of hereditary privileges in that country is - they should not trouble trouble until trouble troubles them. Bukola Saraki of the Axis of Pendulum/Political Prostitution - The Middle Belt of Nigeria - and Yakubu Dogara...have in their hands, each a kola with 36 lobes, let them both send out town criers to all the 36 clans including the Market Square and summon the elders to the Town Hall for a celebration of life. But who exactly is hiding in the ancestral groves and beating the drums for Shola's boy to be dancing naked on the Express Way?
(Canto One)
The Tortoise with borrowed plumages
Tortoise doesn't fly
And never ever does,
or soars,
Except with plumages borrowed
The tortoise cannot fly because
It's got no wings and feathers
Tortoise doesn't run,
Doesn't jump
And cannot leap
The tortoise doesn't walk fast
Because it is not its nature to do so
the tortoise walks slowly
And always does arrive at his destination late and last.
But will a people hungry for change
put up with this sluggishness?
(Canto Two)
TAKING THE PEOPLE FOR GRANTED
Taking the people for a ride
The tortoise went to the sky to attend a summit
With borrowed plumages
Pretending to be the king of all the birds
And when a fracas ensued between him and the birds
They all asked for their plumages back
And returned to earth to ask his wife
To get rocks and boulders ready for his landing from the sky
The tortoise jumped down from the sky
And got his back and limbs broken!
(Canto Three)
JAGAJAGA HOUSE
Unruly,
disorderly,
disorderedness,
disorganised,
disorganization,
Jagajaga!
(Canto Four)
INDISCIPLINE
gross indiscipline,
Uncoordinated,
uncoordination,
quarrel,
quarrelling,
argue,
arguement,
face-off,
always bickering,
infighting,
rancour,
vendetta,
vindictiveness,
plotting,
cheating,
deceiving,
deceived,
scheming,
schemed!
(Canto Five)
WAHALA DEY-O!
katakata,
jagajaga,
wahala,
Country people, wahala dey-o!
In the house of APC, na so-so noisy-noisy;
In the house of APC, na so-so quarrel-quarrel;
In the house of APC, na so-so fighting-fighting
Country people, wahala dey-o!
(Canto Six)
ALARIWO
Ma nue pa!
I go beat you kill you
I go wound you-o
Abi, dem swear for you?
Abi your head no correct?
Abi na you one go finish the whole porridge?
(Canto Eight)
BOLEKAJA
Ma nue perplex
Bolekaja!
Bole ko wa ba mi ja!
Bolekaja! Bolekaja!
Mo ni ko bolekaja!
(Canto Nine)
POWER SHOW
Abi you no know who you dey talk to?
Abi you dey mad?
You nko, abi you dey gbongboro ciga?
Abi Jagaban!
Mumu, Abi Turaki!
This is politics,
We are talking politics
And we should be talking politics
And nothing else, but politics.
Nothing else matters, except politics,
And in politics, any method is fair method!
The pendulum swings in all directions
What is more, I'm the *ihu ilere
that has lost its rooting ability!
(Canto Ten)
THE BATTLE OF THE HOUSE OF VOLCANO AND THE HOUSE OF TREACHERY
Uthman says to Odua
This is our time
And the House of Odua says to Uthman
It cannot be your turn
thrice beaten
And the fourth,
we rescued the ship from the belly of the whale
And the House of Uthman replies:
"The people! The people! Oh, the people!"
(Canto Eleven)
THE CHASE
Illogica Mathematica! Illogica Mathematica!
Just as nineteen is greater than sixteen
And not otherwise,
The total ballots speak for themselves
Illogica Mathematica,
Pure Illogicamatics,
Pure Illogicamathematics,
Bala!
(Canto Twelve)
FIRE ON THE MOUNTAIN
There's fire on the mountain
Bala, run! Run!
There's fire on the mountain!
There's fire on the mountain!
There's fire on the mountain!
**Gudu, Bala! Bala gudu!
Alien! Foreigner! Immigrant!
This land is ours, but...
THIS IS THE HOUSE OF UTHMAN DAN FODIO.
(Canto Thirteen)
WOMAN IN THE CROSSFIRE
Step back, woman!
woman, step back,
lest you get caught in the crossfire
kudi in view,
same forces,
woman, step back,
step back,
step back, ho!
Canto Fourteen)
THE BATTLE GROUND
demote
demoting
demoted
crush
crushing
crushed
demolish
demolition
demolished
demobilise
demobilising
demobilised
demobilization
beat
beating
beaten
tear
tearing
torn
two nations entrapped in a dangerous cobweb
yea, apc and indeed, nigerians are trapped in a dangerous cobweb!
(Canto Fifteen)
AMALGAM
Pupa,
eggs
glasses
bottles,
pots,
ungluable,
unpatchable,
or
put together,
mended,
sewn,
assembled,
cohered,
conglomerated
again
to the nearest proximity
if
BROKEN!
VERY STRONG WARNING: HANDLE WITH CARE
(Canto Sixteen)
THE GENERALS ARE COMING! THE GENERALS ARE COMING!
Arrival:
Enter, 1st Sector Commander: I'm coming for breakfast, get that bloody civilian out of the way.
Mr President: At your command, Excellency.
Enter, 2nd Sector Commander: I'm coming to the State House for lunch, make sure Bala is not with you.
Mr President: Noted, Excellency.
Enter, 3rd Sector Commander: I'm coming for dinner, bundle that bloody civilian out of the way before my arrival!
Mr President: At your command, Excellency.
Enter, Asiwaju-General of the Federation: (Barred at the massive gate of Aso Rock from entering the State House, he began to gyrate, cursing and swearing): Where were all of you when I single-handedly put Mu'amadu there! By the time I finish with everybody there, the whole world will know I'm the Jagaban-General of the Federation. Emi Jagaban, Omo Alhaja..(beating his chest), awon were yi, won ni kima wole...emi, Omo...huh...shio-o-o-o-o...oshi oda..huh-u-u- FOOD IS READY PEOPLE!
(Canto Nineteen)
LIKE A CHAMELEON
A chameleon is a chameleon
Whether big or small,
It is not the size that makes a chameleon, chameleon
But the possession of the nature of a creature
And certain characteristics in the nature of the creature,
And as part of that nature
the chameleon can change to many colours
And exhibits all of ROYGBIV
So if a chameleon changes to
Red
or
Orange
or
Yellow
or
Green
or
Blue
or
Indigo
or
Violet,
Has it therefore, changed his nature
And no longer to be called a chameleon?
And if it exhibits all the colours
And does not change its nature,
Why then should that be called CHANGE?
(So) a politician is a politician
Whether he's PDP or APC
Whether Conservative or Labour
Whether SNP or Liberal Democrat
Whether Green or UKIP
Whether Congress or Democrat!
If the chameleon has not changed his nature and form
It has not changed anything
And nothing has changed.
Change is not change when change is not,
And when change has not changed.
But who killed the chameleon on the Rock
And just how did he die?
(Canto Twenty)
THE GRAVE ERROR
How can,
how can,
just how can?
Just imagine!
how can a people whom it takes them a millenium
to choose their flagbearer rule the House of Nigeria?
how can a people whom it takes them ages
to select a running mate rule the House of Nigeria?
how can a people whom it takes them years
to choose their key officers rule the House of Nigeria?
how can a people whom it takes them eternity
to choose their principal officers govern the House of Nigeria?
how can a bunch who cannot organise themselves
rebuild the nation?
how can a people whom it takes them donkey years
to light the fire roar the boat of State?
how can cats and dogs
forced together without love team up to work together?
ho - how can water and oil ever mix?
how can water and kerosine ever mix?
how can fire and petrol broker peace?
But whilst the conflagrations rages on
and the volcano keeps erupting
and the earth keeps quaking,
spreading tremours over the land,
let them not forget the children have not eaten;
let them not forget our hospitals
are still mere consulting clinics;
let them not forget our roads
are still deep craters
let them not foget the fire ravaging our land
from savanna to the rainforest;
the locusts that have invaded our land;
the sweet angels in captivity;
the darkness that covers the land,
seas and the sky
and let them not foget
under them Nigeria is a dead sea!
(Canto Twenty-One)
THE JUNGLE AND THE SEA
cats and dogs
put under one roof,
serpents and doves
in accidental coaltion,
leopards and hyenas,
lions and antelopes,
people and beasts,
angels and monsters
pythons and mice,
eagles and chicks,
hawks and ducklings,
bears and hedgehogs
buffaloes and cattle egrets
cheetahs and cows,
wolves and rabbits,
worms and faeces,
vultures and carcasses,
sharks and mudfish,
croccodiles and octopuses,
whales and hippos,
salmonds and tilapias,
all huddled together,
brood of vipers running away from the wrath
refusing to do the needful thing.
how can this rotten gang and strange bedfellows
be the harbingers of national redemption
and rebirth?
(Canto Twenty-Two)
POWER TUSSLE BOARD
Adekunle Tinubu Ronu! Ronu Bola! "It is hard for thee to kick against the pricks” (Acts 26:14 KJV).
Tinubu v The House of Uthman Dan Fodio
Tinubu v West Midlanders
Jagaban - General v the Generals
Tinubu v Olu of the Hill Mansion
Asiwaju v the House of Nigeria
Tinubu v the Apex Legislative Assembly
Asiwaju v Nigerians
Ahmed v a section of the Yorubas
Jagaban v Turaki
Tinubu v Saraki
Tinubu v Leke London
Tibubu v Kwaso
Tinubu v the Rock
Chairman v Chairman
Tinubu v Security Agents
Tinubu v Minor Warriors
Chairman v the Rock
Tinubu v Others
Tinubu v A Section of the Press
Tinubu v Tinubu.
The Woman v Some Colleagues.
Polite Warning to the Press: Please do not phone to ask for the dates of the various tournaments listed on the National Notice Board (NNB) as the date of each tournament will automatically appear on this giant screen in their seasons.
(Canto Twenty-Three)
OGA BUHARI, SIDDON RULE US!
Oga Buhari, carry go!
Oga Buhari, show us your driving power!
Oga Buhari, show us your governing power!
If you no wan carry go,
give us back our votes!
since we put our votes for you,
everything just dey tanda:
and you just dey like Dele,
dey look like Lukman,
tanda like Atanda
go no go,
security tanda;
electricity tanda;
unemployment tanda;
infrastructure tanda;
workers' salaries tanda;
hospitals tanda,
education tanda,
me I no understand any more-o
which kind change be dis-o?
every day, na so-so flying-flying,
every day na so-so whining and moaning
about empty treasury,
every day na so-so water we dey drink chew teeth,
if you no wan siddon rule, make you just park, jare!
Oga, Buhari, commot for road!
*ihu ilere...Yala word for a type of mushroom that contantly relocates
**Gudu...Hausa word for "run".